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Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget
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"It's such a savage thing to lose your memory, but the crazy thing is, it doesn't hurt one bit. A blackout doesn't sting, or stab, or leave a scar when it robs you. Close your eyes and open them again. That's what a blackout feels like."
For Sarah Hepola, alcohol was "the gasoline of all adventure." She spent her evenings at cocktail parties and dark bars where she proudly stayed till last call. Drinking felt like freedom, part of her birthright as a strong, enlightened 21st-century woman.
But there was a price. She often blacked out, waking up with a blank space where four hours should be. Mornings became detective work on her own life. What did I say last night? How did I meet that guy? She apologized for things she couldn't remember doing, as though she were cleaning up after an evil twin. Publicly, she covered her shame with self-deprecating jokes, and her career flourished, but as the blackouts accumulated, she could no longer avoid a sinking truth. The fuel she thought she needed was draining her spirit instead.
A memoir of unblinking honesty and poignant, laugh-out-loud humor, Blackout is the story of a woman stumbling into a new kind of adventure - the sober life she never wanted. Shining a light into her blackouts, she discovers the person she buried, as well as the confidence, intimacy, and creativity she once believed came only from a bottle. Her tale will resonate with anyone who has been forced to reinvent or struggled in the face of necessary change. It's about giving up the thing you cherish most - but getting yourself back in return.
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 7 hours and 35 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Hachette Audio
Audible.com Release Date: June 23, 2015
Whispersync for Voice: Ready
Language: English, English
ASIN: B00XO0NZNC
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
This is a really good book about alcoholism. There are many, many memoirs about drinking. I've read a fair few. This is a particularly good one. Hepola brings a particularly incisive introspection to her tale of drinking too much and getting sober. Hepola managed to be very successful while an alcoholic. She completed her education and became a writer. Blackouts were probably the most frightening thing about Hepola's alcoholism. Her brain was so alcohol-addled that it was unable to remember- the drug was literally circumventing one of the primary functions of the brain. Her accounts of these blackouts- what it was like to come out and to try and figure out what happened, are evocative. It is clear that Hepola is a talented writer. She is able to narrate her experience brilliantly. This is one of the best addiction memoirs I've read.
As a recovering alcoholic with 2.5 yrs sober, living in Austin, with several decades of service in the bar scene here? There were times when I wondered if I had written this in a blackout of my own? Brilliantly and savagely recorded. I loved every word, and gathered renewed strength from her insights and observations. I will be passing this out to my friends...and maybe a highlighted copy for mom?
As recovering alcoholic myself, I've read all the "women alcoholic" memoirs I could get my hands on, but Hepola's voice and and experience is the first I've read that truly mirrors the drinking culture that exists for those of us born in the mid-70s to mid-80s."In an age of sex tapes and beaver shots, there was nothing edgy or remotely shocking about a woman like me reporting that, hey, everyone, I fell off my bar stool."Hepola captures the classic problems alcoholics have always faced--the "gerrymandering of what constitutes an actual 'problem'," the strained relationships, the blacking out--but she does so for a generation of "young, educated, and drunk" women who find power in drinking, who are sexually liberated, who forgo having kids to chase their dreams, who like being in charge of their own pain.Throughout the book, Hepola wrestles with the troubling sexual interactions she had while drunk. "I spent years wondering if I'd lost my virginity, and if I'd consented..." "Many yesses on Friday nights would have been nos on Saturday morning. My consent battle was in me." "When men are in a blackout, they do things to the world. When women are in a blackout, things are done to them." While I was quick to pinpoint sexual violation as the reason for my own drinking, I appreciated that Heppola explored some of the deeper issues of why people, especially women, drink. And why it's so hard to leave behind.While Hepola wrestles with why she ended up where she did, she never blames anyone or anything for her circumstances and she found the strength within herself to make a better life. Unlike a lot of alcohol memoirs, Blackout doesn't simply just end at drinking one day and sober the next. Hepola lets readers join in on the complicated first years of sobriety to see how the process of leaving oneself and finding oneself intertwines to build a whole person.I highly recommend Blackout to anyone who wants to learn about the life of an alcoholic woman (or any addiction) and find hope that recovery is possible--and also to anyone who has struggled with finding themselves, being comfortable in their own bodies, knowing how to balance expectations of potential with reality. Hepola's brutal honesty of her own insecurities, confusion, grandiosity, and vanity left me grateful that I got to spend a little bit of time in her head to learn a few things about myself.
An IRL (in real life) friend recommended this book and she was right, I loved it (thanks Kate). Although this memoir was hard to read in places, it was always always honest and had just the right touch of humor.SUMMARYAuthor, Sarah Hepola, grew up in Dallas, TX and attended the same middle and high school my children attend, so if course I was very curious about her and the book.Sarah took an interest in alcohol at a frighteningly early age. When she was as young as seven years old, she began to sneak drinks out of her parents beer and enjoyed the buzz. She had a couple of unfortunate incidents with alcohol when she was way too young but after one particularly bad experience, she was able to reign it in and fly under the radar. She made it through high school and college while binge drinking, occasionally blacking out and annoying her friends from time to time. I'm her 20's and 30's, Sarah drank her way through Austin, Dallas and NYC while establishing herself as a journalist. As most of her rowdy friends began to settle down, Sarah found herself frequently being invite to lunch during which her friends told her they "needed to talk." Her behavior was getting more noticeably out of control and undesirable as her friends were growing up but she was still drinking like she was in college.Finally, Sarah had enough and found the courage to stop drinking for real. She was expecting her life to immediately fall into place as soon as she stopped drinking but found it was a huge struggle to assimilate herself into a lifestyle which did not include alcohol. She had always assumed her life would become uninteresting when she was no longer the party girl but was happily surprised to find her new life eventually became full and much better.WHAT I LOVEDI am amazed by Sarah Hepola's honesty. It must have been very painful to be that honest with not only herself and millions of strangers, but to maintain that level of honesty knowing her parents, friends and frenemies would be reading all the drunken details of her life was so brave!I love her writing style, she's so darn funny!!! There was not a single part in the book that I skimmed or found tedious. She caught my attention on the first page and never lost it.WHAT I DIDN'T LOVENothing! There was nothing I didn't love about this book. It is so well written, honest and I cannot find anything to critique in this book.
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